i've been fucking around on tumblr for a while now.
sarahs-lost-reality.tumblr.com
Mar 11, 2012
Feb 5, 2012
please stop tearing my heart
its broken enough already. Please just stop. i can't take any more of this shit. suicide's been weighing heavily on my small, fucked up mind. i don't to be hear, dear god just take me away. i know i won't get to have a peaceful life until i can make it end.
The person i told i've been contemplating suicide told me that i'm not "allowed" to end my own damn life. he said he'd bring me back to life and kill me again. So i just asked him if he'd do it for me now, and save me some trouble. thats when another friend of mine overheard and said the same thing. it was the usual barrage of hugs and pity, no real words of comfort. my only problem is i don't have anything near sharp enough to sever any serious veins, only nick them. that being said, that wouldn't be the way i'd do it. do you know how many bottles of painkillers i see in a day? i'd say 25+. all of those are filled with 100+ pills. so i'd say 30 oxycotton and some serious drinking would do it.
not trying to be morbid, but i'm also not trying to keep on living. I'd say i may make it to 16 before its over.
Why do i think anybody gives a flying fuck anyways? all the people that know i cut always just say "oh i'm so sorry, why don't you see a shrink?" you know why? because i'm scared out of my fucking mind. Why should i be able to trust some random stranger with my issues if i can't even tell a friend without them thinking less of me. What am i supposed to say "hello, my name is ____ and i'm mentally fucked? I cut, i have been contemplating suicide for the past 2 years, and i hate my body to the extent that whenever i look into a mirror i want to punch it because theres always some huge ugly girl staring back at me. Can you give me some pills so i can finally put an end to this?"
yeah, no thank you
The person i told i've been contemplating suicide told me that i'm not "allowed" to end my own damn life. he said he'd bring me back to life and kill me again. So i just asked him if he'd do it for me now, and save me some trouble. thats when another friend of mine overheard and said the same thing. it was the usual barrage of hugs and pity, no real words of comfort. my only problem is i don't have anything near sharp enough to sever any serious veins, only nick them. that being said, that wouldn't be the way i'd do it. do you know how many bottles of painkillers i see in a day? i'd say 25+. all of those are filled with 100+ pills. so i'd say 30 oxycotton and some serious drinking would do it.
not trying to be morbid, but i'm also not trying to keep on living. I'd say i may make it to 16 before its over.
Why do i think anybody gives a flying fuck anyways? all the people that know i cut always just say "oh i'm so sorry, why don't you see a shrink?" you know why? because i'm scared out of my fucking mind. Why should i be able to trust some random stranger with my issues if i can't even tell a friend without them thinking less of me. What am i supposed to say "hello, my name is ____ and i'm mentally fucked? I cut, i have been contemplating suicide for the past 2 years, and i hate my body to the extent that whenever i look into a mirror i want to punch it because theres always some huge ugly girl staring back at me. Can you give me some pills so i can finally put an end to this?"
yeah, no thank you
Feb 2, 2012
jumbled
today was just another one of my quiet days. nobody walked me to class, pretending like i'm worth they're time, in fact, none of my "friends" had much to say to me today. i worked out in gym, on the exercise bike, running, lifting weights, crunches, fucking around with the medicine ball, anything to get me out of my slump. nothing worked. as soon as i got home, i looked for meds i could get high from...none at all. i looked for booze. none. i did find my knife though...
Feb 1, 2012
Lifes been better
Life recently has been a bit tricky. I can't exactly say that things are going great, but things are not really bad. I'm in sort of a life-limbo. See, in a way, things have gone very well. My brother is out of prison, i have three guys that i'm talking to and one that i'm possibly getting with, which is great i guess. I havn't cut, i smoke less. On the exterior, things look like they havn't been this great in a very long time. I've even started painting and writing poems and stories again.
If you were to scratch beneath the surface though, you'd see i've been eating more, drinking more, smoking more, cutting more, cussing more, and behaving in generally bad behavior more.
my brother got out on the 27th, which is around the time i've been binging on ramen noodles and beer. All THE FUCKIN TIME. i've gained a few pounds, but not enough for my current somewhat-crush to notice i think. he called me babe today, which got my hopes up. its amazing how i can so quickly go from being tired and angry to carefree and joyful. i swear i'm bipolar. He's just ups my day, i can't exactly describe it. i center my day around people, and he is one of them. so are the other people i hope take an intrest in me. to be honest, i just want SOMEBODY to take interest in me so i can actually believe i am wanted and loved. That doesn't mean i'll settle for whatever boy tells me what i want to hear, it just means i'd kill to hear those words from the right person.
until then, i'm stuck in this loveless world. I haven't heard anybody tell me they loved me in a while. I hear it from my family and my friends, but those are the usual i-love-you's. That's the kind of love that almost everyone has, and for me, even those i-love-you's are fading, much to my dismay. The love i want is true love. unconditional love. I want a love that will finally accept the fact that i am flawed. that i am cracked, broken...
a love for me to tell my secrets to, and to hear they're secrets in return. A love to fill this hole i have steadily growing in my chest. I know that sounds so cliche, but its just this dark cavity that keeps sucking up more of the girl i once knew to be myself and replaces her with this awkward, silent, secretive, unsure being, about to fall. I want a love that can catch me when that fall happens, or can stop it from happening in the first place. I NEED a love, not a lust. Not these little fumblings i have with boys who say they are only trying to befriend me, and then show just how far that friendship can reach. Which is what i fear will happen with a very close friend of mine, who jokingly says he loves me. He doesn't know how much i pray he'd actually mean it. True, he isn't THAT boy i'm after now, but he is a boy..and i do care for him. Even if i can't return that love, i'd try my best to.
I just need to feel loved.
Not used
no, not anymore.
(yeah right, how many times have i said that to myself? there'll be a new boy tryin to fuck me in a month, and knowing how badly i crave just feeling wanted, i'd probably be dumb enough to let him. its hard to pretend you love yourself when you know nobody gives a fuck about you in this pathetic world)
If you were to scratch beneath the surface though, you'd see i've been eating more, drinking more, smoking more, cutting more, cussing more, and behaving in generally bad behavior more.
my brother got out on the 27th, which is around the time i've been binging on ramen noodles and beer. All THE FUCKIN TIME. i've gained a few pounds, but not enough for my current somewhat-crush to notice i think. he called me babe today, which got my hopes up. its amazing how i can so quickly go from being tired and angry to carefree and joyful. i swear i'm bipolar. He's just ups my day, i can't exactly describe it. i center my day around people, and he is one of them. so are the other people i hope take an intrest in me. to be honest, i just want SOMEBODY to take interest in me so i can actually believe i am wanted and loved. That doesn't mean i'll settle for whatever boy tells me what i want to hear, it just means i'd kill to hear those words from the right person.
until then, i'm stuck in this loveless world. I haven't heard anybody tell me they loved me in a while. I hear it from my family and my friends, but those are the usual i-love-you's. That's the kind of love that almost everyone has, and for me, even those i-love-you's are fading, much to my dismay. The love i want is true love. unconditional love. I want a love that will finally accept the fact that i am flawed. that i am cracked, broken...
a love for me to tell my secrets to, and to hear they're secrets in return. A love to fill this hole i have steadily growing in my chest. I know that sounds so cliche, but its just this dark cavity that keeps sucking up more of the girl i once knew to be myself and replaces her with this awkward, silent, secretive, unsure being, about to fall. I want a love that can catch me when that fall happens, or can stop it from happening in the first place. I NEED a love, not a lust. Not these little fumblings i have with boys who say they are only trying to befriend me, and then show just how far that friendship can reach. Which is what i fear will happen with a very close friend of mine, who jokingly says he loves me. He doesn't know how much i pray he'd actually mean it. True, he isn't THAT boy i'm after now, but he is a boy..and i do care for him. Even if i can't return that love, i'd try my best to.
I just need to feel loved.
Not used
no, not anymore.
(yeah right, how many times have i said that to myself? there'll be a new boy tryin to fuck me in a month, and knowing how badly i crave just feeling wanted, i'd probably be dumb enough to let him. its hard to pretend you love yourself when you know nobody gives a fuck about you in this pathetic world)
Jan 23, 2012
Oh Darling, why?
Why is it that no matter how nasty a breakup is for me, there's always going to be somebody else to come along (usually rather quickly too) that has the same ability to hurt me? See, in my little fucked up mind, if somebody hurts me more than i hurt them or myself, then i am a doormat. Something people can just walk on, just like I'd been walked on for so long. I REFUSE to be treated that way, so if somebody says "Twisted, you're a worthless individual and i'm through with you", I'll nod, choke back a sob, or stab them with a pencil. Later that night though, they're words will still echo around in my mind, chasing every thought i have.
And I'll prove to myself how worthy i am of living by silencing they're cruel words with just a little bit of time and a little bit of steel. I'll be able to face them the next day, with my head held high, thinking to myself, that while they smirk, i made myself more powerful than them and I didn't even have to say anything. They don't need to know my secret. Some people kill for power, others steal, i only take away a little bit of my body each day so i can gain that in confidence. I made myself whole again. True, it may take many tries and many wounds to supress how I feel, but to be honest, it's a rather good coping method. I'd rather cut that drink, because the cuts hide feeling, drinking just brings them out in a very ugly way. People see having this as a vice as a complete weakness, truly, it's whats gotten me by for a while now. Quitting is going to be such a bitch.
And I'll prove to myself how worthy i am of living by silencing they're cruel words with just a little bit of time and a little bit of steel. I'll be able to face them the next day, with my head held high, thinking to myself, that while they smirk, i made myself more powerful than them and I didn't even have to say anything. They don't need to know my secret. Some people kill for power, others steal, i only take away a little bit of my body each day so i can gain that in confidence. I made myself whole again. True, it may take many tries and many wounds to supress how I feel, but to be honest, it's a rather good coping method. I'd rather cut that drink, because the cuts hide feeling, drinking just brings them out in a very ugly way. People see having this as a vice as a complete weakness, truly, it's whats gotten me by for a while now. Quitting is going to be such a bitch.
Jan 22, 2012
Mistaken
I had promised one of my siblings that i would stop cutting if he did. I managed to go for a few days, but last night, i found my xacto knife. And the sharpener. And some gauze if it got nasty...
Is there really any more for me to say here?
Why couldn't i have just kept my promise?
Is there really any more for me to say here?
Why couldn't i have just kept my promise?
Jan 21, 2012
Greetings and Salutations
This blog is meant to be a place for people who self harm to be able to express they're thoughts and ideas on the subject. It is NOT a place where you can ask how best to cut/ injure yourself. So, now that thats out of the way, let me introduce myself.
I'm not going to tell you my real name for obvious privacy reasons, but that shouldn't be a problem, should it? I'm a fourteen year old girl from some small town you've never heard of, and i've been cutting seriously for two years. I started at 8 but quit, and it sort of just managed to burrow its way back into my life.
My hobbies include drawing, reading, writing, listening/finding new music, and going to the occasional "party" (party= my friends and i get fucked up). I am an alcoholic in training, but only because it keeps me from harming myself. I breathe for music, but will never judge you for what you listen to.
I hate being labeled "emo" or "goth" because maybe i just like the color black. I am an optimistic person, and yes, i'll rock some torn black skinnys, some chucks, and a black v neck, but does that really make me goth? Just because i don't like wearing pink every day? If so, then allow me to label you.
I was bullied from the time i was in kindergarten because i had an extremely awful speech impediment, and then it got even worse in junior high as kids became assholes.
All through elementry school my father had told me how he wished he could kill himself. He showed me his gun and the ammo, put it to his head, and pulled the trigger. i screamed. he laughed. He showed it to me and said the safety was on, and if he ever took his life, i wouldn't know till the next morning.
That continued till fifth grade, when my mom and he started fighting. A LOT. She was apparently a gigantic slut/ pedophile who cheated on him with my sibling's friends.
That didn't go over well, so my father took off, telling me in a note he left me that he was heading to a mental institution, which was a fucking lie, obviously. He left to go chill with his buddy's for two days.
I still have that note.
Then, to add onto all the dumb shit that god decided to just chuck my way, i gained an ass load of weight after my parents split. After i got up to about 160, i started starving and purging myself to lose the weight.
Over the past year, my brother's gone to prison, i lost my virginity to an asshole who wouldn't let me leave the room till i had sex with him. I felt so guilty...so terrible. So, i decided that if he could be a slut and get away with it, why couldn't i? I've only had sex with one other person, but i still cry just thinking about it. I just feel like i might as well have had a neon sign over my crotch saying "easy target". He (the aforementioned virginity snatcher) fed me shot after shot till i was in drunk crying bitch mode, and unloaded my guts about how badly i missed my brother. After he comforted me, he decided to try and make out with me, which i went with. I tried to leave when it got to heavy, but he followed me to my room and shook me to "wake me up" so i'd go and hang out with him. I tried to leave again and he grabbed my arm, saying that if he was going to be nice and listen to me, then i should be nice in return. I felt like if i'd have said no, he would have forced me, so i just did it to get some fucking sleep that night.
Sorry about le sob story, i just figured i'd have to give you all (meaning all of my 0 followers) a bit of background.
Oh, and this blog will contain pictures after each post, and sometimes the post will be only pictures. Anyway, i will try not to post a lot of really graphic "triggering" pictures, but that is usually all you can find nowadays, so i apologize in advance.
--twisted
I'm not going to tell you my real name for obvious privacy reasons, but that shouldn't be a problem, should it? I'm a fourteen year old girl from some small town you've never heard of, and i've been cutting seriously for two years. I started at 8 but quit, and it sort of just managed to burrow its way back into my life.
My hobbies include drawing, reading, writing, listening/finding new music, and going to the occasional "party" (party= my friends and i get fucked up). I am an alcoholic in training, but only because it keeps me from harming myself. I breathe for music, but will never judge you for what you listen to.
I hate being labeled "emo" or "goth" because maybe i just like the color black. I am an optimistic person, and yes, i'll rock some torn black skinnys, some chucks, and a black v neck, but does that really make me goth? Just because i don't like wearing pink every day? If so, then allow me to label you.
I was bullied from the time i was in kindergarten because i had an extremely awful speech impediment, and then it got even worse in junior high as kids became assholes.
All through elementry school my father had told me how he wished he could kill himself. He showed me his gun and the ammo, put it to his head, and pulled the trigger. i screamed. he laughed. He showed it to me and said the safety was on, and if he ever took his life, i wouldn't know till the next morning.
That continued till fifth grade, when my mom and he started fighting. A LOT. She was apparently a gigantic slut/ pedophile who cheated on him with my sibling's friends.
That didn't go over well, so my father took off, telling me in a note he left me that he was heading to a mental institution, which was a fucking lie, obviously. He left to go chill with his buddy's for two days.
I still have that note.
Then, to add onto all the dumb shit that god decided to just chuck my way, i gained an ass load of weight after my parents split. After i got up to about 160, i started starving and purging myself to lose the weight.
Over the past year, my brother's gone to prison, i lost my virginity to an asshole who wouldn't let me leave the room till i had sex with him. I felt so guilty...so terrible. So, i decided that if he could be a slut and get away with it, why couldn't i? I've only had sex with one other person, but i still cry just thinking about it. I just feel like i might as well have had a neon sign over my crotch saying "easy target". He (the aforementioned virginity snatcher) fed me shot after shot till i was in drunk crying bitch mode, and unloaded my guts about how badly i missed my brother. After he comforted me, he decided to try and make out with me, which i went with. I tried to leave when it got to heavy, but he followed me to my room and shook me to "wake me up" so i'd go and hang out with him. I tried to leave again and he grabbed my arm, saying that if he was going to be nice and listen to me, then i should be nice in return. I felt like if i'd have said no, he would have forced me, so i just did it to get some fucking sleep that night.
Sorry about le sob story, i just figured i'd have to give you all (meaning all of my 0 followers) a bit of background.
Oh, and this blog will contain pictures after each post, and sometimes the post will be only pictures. Anyway, i will try not to post a lot of really graphic "triggering" pictures, but that is usually all you can find nowadays, so i apologize in advance.
"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day"
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