its broken enough already. Please just stop. i can't take any more of this shit. suicide's been weighing heavily on my small, fucked up mind. i don't to be hear, dear god just take me away. i know i won't get to have a peaceful life until i can make it end.
The person i told i've been contemplating suicide told me that i'm not "allowed" to end my own damn life. he said he'd bring me back to life and kill me again. So i just asked him if he'd do it for me now, and save me some trouble. thats when another friend of mine overheard and said the same thing. it was the usual barrage of hugs and pity, no real words of comfort. my only problem is i don't have anything near sharp enough to sever any serious veins, only nick them. that being said, that wouldn't be the way i'd do it. do you know how many bottles of painkillers i see in a day? i'd say 25+. all of those are filled with 100+ pills. so i'd say 30 oxycotton and some serious drinking would do it.
not trying to be morbid, but i'm also not trying to keep on living. I'd say i may make it to 16 before its over.
Why do i think anybody gives a flying fuck anyways? all the people that know i cut always just say "oh i'm so sorry, why don't you see a shrink?" you know why? because i'm scared out of my fucking mind. Why should i be able to trust some random stranger with my issues if i can't even tell a friend without them thinking less of me. What am i supposed to say "hello, my name is ____ and i'm mentally fucked? I cut, i have been contemplating suicide for the past 2 years, and i hate my body to the extent that whenever i look into a mirror i want to punch it because theres always some huge ugly girl staring back at me. Can you give me some pills so i can finally put an end to this?"
yeah, no thank you
Feb 5, 2012
Feb 2, 2012
jumbled
today was just another one of my quiet days. nobody walked me to class, pretending like i'm worth they're time, in fact, none of my "friends" had much to say to me today. i worked out in gym, on the exercise bike, running, lifting weights, crunches, fucking around with the medicine ball, anything to get me out of my slump. nothing worked. as soon as i got home, i looked for meds i could get high from...none at all. i looked for booze. none. i did find my knife though...
Feb 1, 2012
Lifes been better
Life recently has been a bit tricky. I can't exactly say that things are going great, but things are not really bad. I'm in sort of a life-limbo. See, in a way, things have gone very well. My brother is out of prison, i have three guys that i'm talking to and one that i'm possibly getting with, which is great i guess. I havn't cut, i smoke less. On the exterior, things look like they havn't been this great in a very long time. I've even started painting and writing poems and stories again.
If you were to scratch beneath the surface though, you'd see i've been eating more, drinking more, smoking more, cutting more, cussing more, and behaving in generally bad behavior more.
my brother got out on the 27th, which is around the time i've been binging on ramen noodles and beer. All THE FUCKIN TIME. i've gained a few pounds, but not enough for my current somewhat-crush to notice i think. he called me babe today, which got my hopes up. its amazing how i can so quickly go from being tired and angry to carefree and joyful. i swear i'm bipolar. He's just ups my day, i can't exactly describe it. i center my day around people, and he is one of them. so are the other people i hope take an intrest in me. to be honest, i just want SOMEBODY to take interest in me so i can actually believe i am wanted and loved. That doesn't mean i'll settle for whatever boy tells me what i want to hear, it just means i'd kill to hear those words from the right person.
until then, i'm stuck in this loveless world. I haven't heard anybody tell me they loved me in a while. I hear it from my family and my friends, but those are the usual i-love-you's. That's the kind of love that almost everyone has, and for me, even those i-love-you's are fading, much to my dismay. The love i want is true love. unconditional love. I want a love that will finally accept the fact that i am flawed. that i am cracked, broken...
a love for me to tell my secrets to, and to hear they're secrets in return. A love to fill this hole i have steadily growing in my chest. I know that sounds so cliche, but its just this dark cavity that keeps sucking up more of the girl i once knew to be myself and replaces her with this awkward, silent, secretive, unsure being, about to fall. I want a love that can catch me when that fall happens, or can stop it from happening in the first place. I NEED a love, not a lust. Not these little fumblings i have with boys who say they are only trying to befriend me, and then show just how far that friendship can reach. Which is what i fear will happen with a very close friend of mine, who jokingly says he loves me. He doesn't know how much i pray he'd actually mean it. True, he isn't THAT boy i'm after now, but he is a boy..and i do care for him. Even if i can't return that love, i'd try my best to.
I just need to feel loved.
Not used
no, not anymore.
(yeah right, how many times have i said that to myself? there'll be a new boy tryin to fuck me in a month, and knowing how badly i crave just feeling wanted, i'd probably be dumb enough to let him. its hard to pretend you love yourself when you know nobody gives a fuck about you in this pathetic world)
If you were to scratch beneath the surface though, you'd see i've been eating more, drinking more, smoking more, cutting more, cussing more, and behaving in generally bad behavior more.
my brother got out on the 27th, which is around the time i've been binging on ramen noodles and beer. All THE FUCKIN TIME. i've gained a few pounds, but not enough for my current somewhat-crush to notice i think. he called me babe today, which got my hopes up. its amazing how i can so quickly go from being tired and angry to carefree and joyful. i swear i'm bipolar. He's just ups my day, i can't exactly describe it. i center my day around people, and he is one of them. so are the other people i hope take an intrest in me. to be honest, i just want SOMEBODY to take interest in me so i can actually believe i am wanted and loved. That doesn't mean i'll settle for whatever boy tells me what i want to hear, it just means i'd kill to hear those words from the right person.
until then, i'm stuck in this loveless world. I haven't heard anybody tell me they loved me in a while. I hear it from my family and my friends, but those are the usual i-love-you's. That's the kind of love that almost everyone has, and for me, even those i-love-you's are fading, much to my dismay. The love i want is true love. unconditional love. I want a love that will finally accept the fact that i am flawed. that i am cracked, broken...
a love for me to tell my secrets to, and to hear they're secrets in return. A love to fill this hole i have steadily growing in my chest. I know that sounds so cliche, but its just this dark cavity that keeps sucking up more of the girl i once knew to be myself and replaces her with this awkward, silent, secretive, unsure being, about to fall. I want a love that can catch me when that fall happens, or can stop it from happening in the first place. I NEED a love, not a lust. Not these little fumblings i have with boys who say they are only trying to befriend me, and then show just how far that friendship can reach. Which is what i fear will happen with a very close friend of mine, who jokingly says he loves me. He doesn't know how much i pray he'd actually mean it. True, he isn't THAT boy i'm after now, but he is a boy..and i do care for him. Even if i can't return that love, i'd try my best to.
I just need to feel loved.
Not used
no, not anymore.
(yeah right, how many times have i said that to myself? there'll be a new boy tryin to fuck me in a month, and knowing how badly i crave just feeling wanted, i'd probably be dumb enough to let him. its hard to pretend you love yourself when you know nobody gives a fuck about you in this pathetic world)
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