Oh Darling, why?

Why is it that no matter how nasty a breakup is for me, there's always going to be somebody else to come along (usually rather quickly too) that has the same ability to hurt me? See, in my little fucked up mind, if somebody hurts me more than i hurt them or myself, then i am a doormat. Something people can just walk on, just like I'd been walked on for so long. I REFUSE to be treated that way, so if somebody says "Twisted, you're a worthless individual and i'm through with you", I'll nod, choke back a sob, or stab them with a pencil. Later that night though, they're words will still echo around in my mind, chasing every thought i have.
And I'll prove to myself how worthy i am of living by silencing they're cruel words with just a little bit of time and a little bit of steel. I'll be able to face them the next day, with my head held high, thinking to myself, that while they smirk, i made myself more powerful than them and I didn't even have to say anything. They don't need to know my secret. Some people kill for power, others steal, i only take away a little bit of my body each day so i can gain that in confidence. I made myself whole again. True, it may take many tries and many wounds to supress how I feel, but to be honest, it's a rather good coping method. I'd rather cut that drink, because the cuts hide feeling, drinking just brings them out in a very ugly way. People see having this as a vice as a complete weakness, truly, it's whats gotten me by for a while now. Quitting is going to be such a bitch.